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After The Ass-rag, Then...
#16
A turd is a turd. If you use paper, burn it in your hole. If you use a rag, then your more robust than most and don't require further instruction. Like most any thing thats worth doing, the more you think about it the more complicated it becomes. Well when you're talking about one of the body's most basic functions it's really very simple....DON'T GET ANY ON YA! But if you do,have the means to get it off ya. Therte are many brands of disinfectant(that just sounds like a dirty word , don't it?) on the market if thats what you desire or need. I never liked the term Cat Hole or Cat Sanitation because cats always shit in my garden.! <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/mad.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':angry:' /> I see it every summer at my local trailhead/campground, it's nasty. Maxi pads or HUGE wads of t.p.and (in all their glory BARE NAKED HUMAN TURDS) behind every,and some times any tree, log, stump, boulder, gully or any other thing that may offer shelter. People are the cause of every problem on the planet.So I think, If we can crap proper, We must be headed in the right direction. But with all the turds and kotex I come across, I think we can't even take care of are own shit!If only we had a system that governed personal accountibility...... <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':lol:' />
#17
As someone said... "this is dejavous all over again". I swear we just went through this butt... It might have been on the old board.



Over the years we've done a number of experiments with the stuff of this topic. For a long time the wisdom was to bury your shit in a deep hole. Sadly for the Sierra all this did was permanently store the goodies. A few inches down and the bacterial action just stops. Those brown devils sit there waiting for the next person with an eye towards ripping loose a mighty grogan and a trowel. More on that later...



We decided to try an experiment.



We typically brought our group to a very underutilized part of the mountains so I instructed some of the students to bury the goodies and burn the TP. Other buried it all. Some just fired those brown swans into a rock pile and covered their gifts with a few large rocks. As the seasons wore on I was able to revisit all the battlegrounds. Buried brown monsters lived to annoy me for decades. TP made the offense worse as animals often dug into that soil since the paper keeps the soil from compacting adequately and the vapors of relief escaped to attract reincarnated greenies to a rich meal. Those brown Sasquach shot into rocks and buried, simply disappeared sans interference by the aforementioned butt thieves.



I passed this information along to friends in the Forest Service who promptly poo pooed the notions but who, on the sly, conducted similar experiments. I understand that the exhaust manifold of your bosses car is an excellent location for disposal. At any rate it wasn't more than a year or two before some of the heartier wilderness agents were also donating to rock piles.



Before I go any further... it's important to note that in the beginning of this piece I mentioned "under utilized" areas of the wilderness. I would never recommend that you crank off a hunk of steaming fudge in Griffith Park or some other heavily used quasi natural area. Use someone's hat if you must go in heavily accessed areas.



On to the wipe out.



One Forest Service guide book, written by either a complete tyro or by as hard assed a ranger as ever strode a trail, recommended wiping with rocks and PINE CONES! Right on. (As close as I could ever come to the author of that was the intimation that the book was written by a female college intern majoring in Ecology. I wonder what ecology she harbored in those nether regions. THAT incidentally is a great topic for dinner conversations.)



The ass rag is not meant for the weak spirited nor is it a joke. The ass rag is meant for hard core outdoors folk to whom a little friendly shit is just part of the experience. Bill never lets me sit at his fire.



This is how it works (drum roll please). It starts with the squat. You cannot sit with the ass rag. You MUST squat. It must be a full bore, cheek peeling squat that virtually tears at both the taint and the crack bore. When you fire that monster toward the earth you can't just give it a little girlish squeeze. You need to punch like you want to kiss the earth with your sigmoid colon. With practice you can get the missle to actually stick into the earth, not just fall over limply. Done this way the only smudge you get is a tiny ring that will actually retract back into the safety of your nice warm body. There is virtually nothing to smear, smudge or wipe.... perhaps a slight bit of blood... but no more.



Now it is time for the ass rag. You have thoughtfully wet one end (a corner) with warm water. This is like a washcloth. Nature will tell you that you do not want to drill this cloth into the lauching tube... just a light patting should suffice. Then you use the dry end to blot the area. Hitch up your clothes and take your rag to Bill's camp where you conveniently forget it. He'll make sure you get it back the next day. I think he makes soup.



After a day or two you will likely want to clean the thing. There are two ways to do this. Please remember that you are not married to this rag and you do not need to use one the size of a tablecloth (an interesting idea) so... you can burn it while Bill is making his coffee. OR you can boil some water and wash the thing off in the boiling water. Just drop it right into the water and the goods will be sanitized and cleaned. Later you can make coffee which you can offer to Bill.



By now you might have come to realize that the ass rag is not intended as a smuge cleaner. Most folks use a lot of TP because the average toilet is designed to force the cheeks together so you extrude your crap like so much linguini. Most of the world uses holes in the floor.... and little or no TP. That is because the human body is designed to take in food with minimum fuss and excrete the wastes in a similarily effective manner. (Yes we have toilets in our house... though you might find foot prints on the seats.) Toilets were invented by a fat engineer with weak knees who wanted to read the paper while he sang the song of la tomaine to the bowl.



Now for a pet peeve of mine...It's been my experience that people like to shit in campsites. If they walk into an area with two nice sites, they'll select one in which to rest their bodies and the other will serve as a place to hide the peanut butter. The next camper will choose the sites differently and in that way both sites always smell very natural.



I hope this clears up the mystery for you.



In the future should you wander though my woods and you come upon a pile of stones, don't kick it. but you will be safe taking home one of those pine cones to set on your mantle.



Ron
Hind sight is an exact science until historians or politicians get involved.



Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.



I have regular bowel movements, I just wish they were voluntary...



My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 91, and we don't know where he is.



Understand?
#18
<img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='B)' />

#19
So was my post a "Thread Killer" ?



Any other questions or thoughts?



Ron
Hind sight is an exact science until historians or politicians get involved.



Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.



I have regular bowel movements, I just wish they were voluntary...



My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 91, and we don't know where he is.



Understand?
#20
No, no, I think you just about ended all speculation and ASSumption about the assrag. Very informative article. And very much appreciated! I'll have to work on that missile launching technique. I'd like to se an erect statue rather than a pile of,...well, shit! And that folks is just another reason why he is "THE WOODSMASTER"! <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Big Grin' />
#21
"DON'T GET ANY ON YA! But if you do,have the means to get it off ya."





There is an old sea story I heard in the Marines. A Corparol and a Leuitenant were using a urinal. The LT finished first and went to the sink and began to wash his hands. The Cpl finished and walked straight to the door.

The LT scowled and said, "In OCS they taught us to wash our hands after using the head."

The Cpl said, "Well sir, in bootcamp they teach us not to piss on our hands."





RJ
If you're gonna be dumb, you gatta be tough. --Roger Alan Wade
#22
[quote name='Ron Hood' date='May 5 2005, 09:26 PM']So was my post a "Thread Killer" ?



Any other questions or thoughts?



Ron

[right][post="35955"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post][/right][/quote]



No, I think you just sort of answered everybody's questions before they were asked. Good info...thanks.
"The difference between a pessimist and an optimist is

that the pessimist usually has more information." -unknown



The trouble with beating up stupid people is that when

you're done, they're still stupid.
#23
Whew!



Thanks folks...



BTW olwiteguy... I got the name "Woodmaster" for a different reason <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Big Grin' />





Ron
Hind sight is an exact science until historians or politicians get involved.



Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.



I have regular bowel movements, I just wish they were voluntary...



My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 91, and we don't know where he is.



Understand?
#24
Should I be afraid to ask? <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/unsure.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':unsure:' />
#25
I've taken to good quilted paper towels to replace tiolet paper. Much sturdier, much more efficient per weight (no need to double up, half of one sheet gets the job done), and much more useful for other chores. I find it no less comfy than TP either, and easier to pack in a ziplock bag. Combine that with antibacterial hand wipes and something to dig with and that's my shit kit.
#26
You should be VERY afraid :pile:



Bowman, I can do it with one square of TP. I'm sure someone knows that trick and is willing to explain it. I KNOW Muleskinner has it down.



Ron
Hind sight is an exact science until historians or politicians get involved.



Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.



I have regular bowel movements, I just wish they were voluntary...



My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 91, and we don't know where he is.



Understand?
#27
I'm sure we can all find a suitable manmade subsitute for T.P. but that only fills my bag .How bad could a pine cone really be? I'm kinda on the poor side and not sure how much rougher a cone could be than my "John Wayne" toilet paper(tough as nails and dont take no shit from nobody).I'v been hittin the bourbon pretty hard tonight, Ron, I'm Not Afraid! Tell us, where did the "Woodsmaster" come from?I've been some places and done some things but the worst name I ever got was "The Riddler".Cause I never really said what I meant.So I'm sittin here stewin on this.....We had a guy fall in the fire, so, his name was " Hands in the fire".How could a feller come to be named the "Woodsmaster"? I think with folks like us , thats not a chosen name.Thats an earned name. I think the Hoodlums have a right to know. <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Tongue' />
#28
I should have read Ron's wonderfully academic treatise on rectal arts before adding my contribution to this discussion. I can see now how toilet paper can be the tool of choice with proper and artistic form, if you're too squeamish to use the classic ass rag. The paper towels worked great for a more heavy handed, less finessed form of the art.



I think I'll try the pine cones, just so I can make some good conversation at weddings this summer <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Big Grin' /> .
#29
OWG, for "Woodmaster", ummmm let's not go there today... <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Smile' />



and for you and Bowman, if you want to use cones, let me send you some.

just make sure someone is taking pictures to document the useage... <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Big Grin' />



Ranger

and BTW Ron, we Rangers are tougher than that, we just recommend those items for the touristas to give us something to laugh about...
Nevada Battle Born...



"...your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here..."



"the internet is reponsible for more mistakes than whisky and shotguns." musician Dave Wilcox



Stupid people are like Slinkies.... They're not really good for anything....but....

They still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs
#30
Thank you Kindly Mr. Bowman <img src='http://www.hoodswoods.net/IVB/public/style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt='Smile' />



Well olwiteguy...



You have the better of me as I've not had a chance to have a "taste" as it were so certain inhibitions ride herd over my ability to fully disclose the origin of the name "woodmaster".



Perhaps a link to get us started...



[url="http://www.bodybuilding.com/store/exl/woody.html"]Woody[/url]



As I sit here mulling over the ramifications of telling this story, or that story, I begin to feel some of the emotions I felt at the time. But at that time I was divorced (therefore single) and young... only about 40 or so. I was spending a fair bit of my time working as a "consultant" on various movies and TV programs. I guess it was the long hair, full beard and fit body that initially attracted the fairer sex. Perhaps it was the fact that I was gainfully employed as a professor at a University and not leashed to a manager... whatever caused the initial attraction was not really of interest to me. I was interested in the effect and the ladies, many of whom labored under the delusion that they were actresses or models.



I always made it clear at the outset that I was not ready to settle down again and that I had a number of "interests" running simultaneously. "Hedonist" is a good word to describe my inclination at that time.



In those days I heard guys describe their "serial monogamy" while dating. First meet one lady, date her, love her and excuse her. I thought that was cruel as each lady thought that she was the one and that things were building to some sort of fundamental relationship. I didn't really go for that. Been there, done that, bought the shirt, wore it out. I was trying something I liked to call "serial polygamy" even though marriage was not part of the arrangement. Every woman I dated knew the rules and often enough the rules were good for them as well.



I ran a tight ship. Even so from time to time one would leave as one arrived. Never a scuffle, no sour notes, just a smile, a light kiss and tail lights.... sometimes the ladies might even like each other and an ordinary night in the hands of Pan and Bacchus would become fairly extrordinary. A few of the ladies became quite good friends afterwards.



Through this race to destruction I had one tool with which to seal each connection and that was "Wood" as alluded to by the above link. In time my envious male buddies began to call me the "Wood Master" and since I also spent much of my time in the mountains the name was a double entendre.



Things went along like this for nearly a decade and then I met Karen. Everything stopped that day. I kicked goat boy in the ass and went back to being in a state I much prefer, deeply and happily in love with the woman who rocked my world.



I earned the name as you so cleverly noted.



Ron
Hind sight is an exact science until historians or politicians get involved.



Nothing is so simple that it can't be misunderstood.



I have regular bowel movements, I just wish they were voluntary...



My dad started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 91, and we don't know where he is.



Understand?


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